


Fell House

by ChompMom



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Alternate Universe - Underfell (Undertale), Bara Sans, F/M, Jealousy, Muffet is the best friend, Possessive Sans (Undertale), Underfell Papyrus (Undertale), Underfell Sans (Undertale), how is there both smol and bara Sans?, smol sans - Freeform, tags will keep updating as the chapters update, well you'll just have to find out for yourself
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:01:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26588545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChompMom/pseuds/ChompMom
Summary: Your life was pretty great. You lived with your short, grumpy, love-bug of a skeletal boyfriend and his ridiculously tall, edgy-yet-loveable younger brother. Sans and Papyrus really were your family now and you wouldn't have it any other way.Of course, then Sans had to go and mess it up by fucking with that machine of his again...
Relationships: Sans (Undertale)/Reader
Comments: 40
Kudos: 244





	1. Of Course

Your life was pretty great. You lived with your short, grumpy, love-bug of a skeletal boyfriend and his ridiculously tall, edgy-yet-loveable younger brother. Sans and Papyrus really were your family now and you wouldn't have it any other way. 

You were currently with Papyrus in the kitchen, helping him chop vegetables for a salad while he prepared the lasagne. Sans was in the basement lab as usual, probably messing around with that machine again. All was peaceful, all was as it should be-

**BOOM**

"Of course," Papyrus deadpanned, slamming the oven door shut with more force than necessary. 

"Ugh, he's your brother, you go check on him."

"Well he's _your_ boyfriend, so _you_ go check on him."

"Fuck, fine, but next time is your turn!" You shout back at Papyrus over your shoulder, tromping down the stairs to the basement. You fully expected to see a wrecked basement and a sooty Sans. That’s what usually happens when lab “mishaps” occur. 

You opened the door with trepidation, only to be surprised by Sans himself. The problem was...he was _HUGE_. He had grown a good three feet and was twice as wide

“Oh my god, Sans, what happened!? Are you okay!?” You ran up to him, grasping his forearms, checking him over for injuries. When none showed themselves, you buried your face into his jacket, breathing in the familiar scent of him, a strange mix of smoke and mustard. And, predictably, Sans’ hands found their way to your ass, gripping and squeezing with gusto. 

“Heh heh, well hey there sweetheart. Don’t mind if I do.” You rolled your eyes at his usual lusty tone. That was Sans, always thinking with his dick. 

“Oi! Hands off my girl you fat fuck!” You froze. That hadn’t come from the skeleton you were currently being groped by. Eyes wide, you slowly turned to look behind you. There, pinned to a wall by a very pissed-off Papyrus was Sans. Regular sized Sans. _YOUR_ Sans. 

You were having a hard time processing what you were seeing...Papyrus was upstairs...plus, he was not wearing his Royal Guard uniform when you last saw him, literally seconds ago. Fuck. That wasn’t your Papyrus...meaning….

You roughly tried to push away from the skeleton in front of you, only to be stopped by his immovable, bony claws. “Where ya goin’ sweetheart? I was enjoyin’ our hug.”

You shoved angrily at not-Sans’ solid chest, looking up at his face to see him smirking down at you. You glared and yelled, “Who the fuck are you?! Fucking- let me go!”

“Sweetheart, get the boss down here!” Sans sounded both frantic and nearly apoplectic with rage. 

Not wasting a moment, you turned towards the stairs and screamed at the top of your lungs, “PAPY!”

Out of the corner of your eye, you caught not-Papyrus flinching violently at your exclamation.

Within moments, you could hear the loud stomping of Papyrus and his ridiculous boots thundering down the stairs. “THIS BETTER NOT BE ONE OF YOUR JOINT PRACTICAL JOKES OR I’M REVOKING YOUR TV PRIV-”

Papyrus had frozen in the doorway, quickly taking stock of the situation. Within seconds he was between you and not-Sans, a sharpened bone in his hand.

“B-boss?” Not-Sans stuttered in confusion.

“I’M STILL OVER HERE YOU IMBECILE!” Not-Papyrus shrieked in outrage. 

Feeling much more secure now that Papyrus was between you and the strange Sans, you turned to your Sans and asked him, “Babe, what the heck happened?”

“Fuck if I know! I was messing around with the machine’s wiring when something exploded and suddenly these two assholes were here!”

Not-Papyrus growled at the insult, “YOU’D BEST HOLD YOUR TONGUE, WHELP! I HONESTLY CAN’T BELIEVE THERE’S AN EVEN MORE PATHETIC VERSION OF MY USELESS BROTHER. NO WONDER THE TWO OF YOU ARE TOO INCOMPETENT TO CAPTURE THIS ONE MEASLY HUMAN!”

Papyrus actually laughed at that. “And why would we need to capture a human when the barrier is already broken?”

Not-Papyrus’ grip went slack and Sans slumped to the ground before quickly teleporting to your side. Not-Sans’ eye sockets widened and he whispered, “We’re on the surface?”

“Yes,” you replied, “And if we can all agree to be civil, we’ll go upstairs and show you.”

💀💀💀

It was pretty endearing to watch their faces, so similar to the ones you loved, see the setting sun for the first time in their lives. Not-Papyrus’ constant grimace had softened to wonder and not-Sans looked as though he was about to cry. You and Sans stood back, holding hands. He’d been glued to your side ever since he’d been released by not-Papyrus. He never really did get over his possessive streak…

The four of you sat outside on the lawn admiring the pastel colors of the sunset slowly transitioning to a navy sky dotted with stars. Papyrus had gone back inside to rescue his lasagne from the oven.

It took a bit of convincing to herd the newcomers back inside for dinner but once not-Papyrus heard that lasagne was on the menu, he became determined to prove it was vastly inferior to his own recipe. Considering what you knew about Papyrus’ cooking skills from when he’d first emerged from the Underground, you figured not-Papyrus was going to be very disappointed by the entire lack of vinegar and glass shards.

Dinner was...awkward at best. It mostly consisted of not-Sans trying to get under Sans’ non-existent skin and not-Papyrus slinging insults at Papyrus’ abilities as a chef. And, unfortunately, not-Papyrus had never been taught the concept of inside voices, so his near constant shrieking was starting to give you a headache. 

“So, sweetheart, how’d you end up with a pathetic little guy like him?” Not-Sans motioned smugly to your bristling boyfriend. 

Before you could say anything, Sans shot back, “So this is you admitting the only way you can get a girl is by using your size? Sounds like a lack of skill to me.”

Papyrus sighed, “Brother, don’t be gross at the dinner table.”

Not-Sans’ grin turned down at the edges, “I dunno what your girl’s been telling you, little man, but size _does_ matter.”

“We’re skeletons, asshole! We can make it whatever size we want!”

“Brother, what did I just say?!”

Sans grumbled angrily but went back to picking at his salad, knowing his brother would force him to eat the entire serving bowl if he didn’t finish what was on his plate. Deciding now was a good time to change the subject, you asked, “So what should we call you two? I can’t keep referring to you as not-Sans and not-Papyrus in my head, it’s driving me crazy.”

“You can call me anything you want, sweetheart,” Not-Sans grinned and winked at you.

“Alright, Red it is,” You dismissed his flirting easily. You were way too used to Sans’ methods of flirting to be bothered by not- by _Red’s_ attempts to get in your pants. Red’s smirk sank at your easy dismissal. Now it was his turn to grumpily pick at his plate. 

You turned to not-Papyrus, “Now, you-”

“I REFUSE TO ACCEPT A NICKNAME FROM A FILTHY HUMAN LIKE YOU! YOU MAY REFER TO ME AS CAPTAIN!”

You rolled your eyes but accepted that as a tolerable enough solution. 

💀💀💀

After dinner, a new problem arose: where were your guests supposed to sleep?

“Well I guess one of them can take the guest bedroom and the other can take my old room, it’s not like I use it anymore-”

“Dibs on sweetheart’s room!” Red interjected before you could even finish your sentence. 

“Hell no, you’re not sleeping in her room, you can take the fucking couch,” Sans snarled, baring his sharp teeth at his much larger self. 

You tried, in vain, to placate him. “Babe, seriously, it’s fine.”

“No it’s fucking not fine. This disgusting fuck’s probably gonna wank it all over your bed.”

“Babe, like I said, I don’t even sleep in there anymore, so does it really matter? Plus there’s no way he’d ever fit on the couch.”

"I don't give a shit, I don't want him in your space!"

“WELL I’M CERTAINLY NOT SLEEPING IN A NASTY HUMAN’S ROOM, IT PROBABLY REEKS! I’LL BE TAKING THE GUEST ROOM.” With that, Captain stomped upstairs to the bedrooms with an exasperated Papyrus following him to make sure he made it to the correct room. 

Red slid next to you on the side opposite where Sans was standing, “So sweetheart, you gonna warm the bed up with me?”

Sans growled and launched himself at Red, who easily dodged while cackling hysterically. 

“It’s gonna be a long fucking night,” You muttered to yourself.

💀💀💀

Sans...well, Red now, was lounging in his temporary room for the night. Your room. It smelled so fucking good in here.

He groaned as he clutched a pillow that smelled strongly of you to his chest, pretending it was you in his arms. Yeah, he’d always been a bit of a slut but he’d never had such an immediate magnetic connection to someone before. Every time he saw the little pipsqueak clinging to you it made him want to rip him away and claim you for himself. 

Speaking of the devil...it sounded like the two of you had finished your _joint_ shower and were finally tucking into bed. Red gritted his teeth in frustration at the sound of your giggles. He could be just as fucking funny as that little shit, he just needed you to give him a chance. Red hunched closer to the wall to get a better idea of what was going on in the room next door. It wasn’t long before your quiet giggles transformed into low moans of pleasure. Fuck! That little shit _knew_ he could hear through the walls and he was making sure to stake his claim. 

Growling lowly in frustration, he decided he might as well enjoy the show while he could. He could even pretend your desperate mewls for “Sans” were referring to him…

Fuck, he was kinda pathetic, wasn’t he?


	2. Unwelcome

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well since there seemed to be some interest, I decided to add some more to this. It's probably going to be closer to collection of snapshots than a full-fledged story. Enjoy?!

Papyrus enjoyed his current life. So much of his past was spent scrabbling for the barest bit of security and power that his current way of life would have seemed a useless daydream. He had everything he could ever want: a repaired relationship with his brother, plenty of access to food, a place to call his own, and time to pursue the many hobbies he had an interest in. He spent his days off refining his cooking skills (his past concoctions made his non-existent stomach churn), learning to knit (knitting circles at the local hobby shop were an excellent source of tips and gossip alike), and spending quality time with his family. Yes, his family. 

He hadn't seen it coming at all. Never in a million years would he think that his town bicycle of a brother would settle down, never mind the fact that it was with a human. Sans _hated_ humans. Somehow, despite all the odds, she had wriggled her way into their lives. When Sans first brought her home, Papyrus was ready to hate her. No doubt it would be some manipulative, gold-digging floozy who was only cozying up to his brother to use him. How wrong he was. 

He had been standoffish towards her at first, but it wasn't long before he noticed a change in his brother. His smiles were wider and more genuine, he spent less time hiding in his room in a depressed daze and more time getting back into tinkering with machinery like he used to. His brother was actually _happy_ , and it was all due to some silly little human. He began to pay closer attention to her after that. He noted that although she was just as crass and rude as his brother, she really did care for Sans with her entire soul. She lit up when he told a stupid joke and invested immense effort in improving his mental state. She was a good person, and he couldn't deny it. 

After he came to that conclusion he finally started putting in an effort to get to know her and develop their relationship. It was apparent that she and Sans were in it for the long haul and Papyrus wanted to grow alongside them. They spent quite a few nights cooking and watching vapid reality shows together and soon they were nearly inseparable. Papyrus could admit to himself, even if not out loud, that he considered her his sister. She was the only person in the entire world he allowed to call him "Papy" after all. 

He was finally happy… and then of course Sans had to disrupt that by messing with that machine of his…which led to the current moment: showing an alternate version of himself to their guest room. 

Papyrus… did not like his other self, "Captain". It was like looking at all the worst parts of his old self reflected back at him in a most unflattering light. It didn't help that the cretin kept _insisting_ on being as rude as possible about Papyrus' family. 

"I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE ANOTHER ME WOULD DEIGN TO LIVE WITH A FILTHY, DISGUSTING HUMAN-"

"I'm going to have to request you stop right there."

Captain stopped on a dime and turned to face Papyrus, furious as usual. "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?!"

"You heard me. I've been nothing but hospitable to you and your brother, despite the fact that you assaulted my own brother and continued to be nothing but immature and rude the entire time you've been here. You can say what you want about me but if you continue to denigrate my brother and his mate I will be forced to respond in a less friendly manner."

Captain narrowed his eye sockets. "So you're not a complete coward after all."

"And you actually have an appropriately volumed speaking voice. How delightful."

Captain sneered at his double. "I think the plush surface life has softened you. You wouldn't last a day back in the Underground."

"Perhaps that is true. However, I don't doubt for a single second that I could lay you out on your coccyx if you step one toe out of line."

"Is that a challenge?!"

"Not yet, it's not. By the way, here is the guest room, have a nice night."

💀💀💀

Sans couldn't help the self-satisfied grin on his face as he watched you drift off to sleep, completely sated. Yeah, he knew that big oaf could hear through the walls, he'd figured that out long ago when he used to listen to you pleasuring yourself in your room, before the two of you started sleeping together. He wanted the fat fool to listen, to _hear_ how good of a mate he was and to learn that he needed to back off. 

He scowled as he thought back to the moment you burst into the basement. You were so worried about who you perceived to be him that you didn’t even notice the real him right behind you...and then that big fucker decided to touch what was _Sans’_. That, he could not forgive.

He’d have to have a talk with the boss in the morning about what they should do with their...guests. Discussing it before you woke up was a must, considering your bleeding heart would probably insist that they stay. Hell no, that was not going to happen if Sans had anything to say about it.

He hated to admit it, but a little tiny part of himself was insecure about his height compared to you. You always said you loved him just the way he was and you’d never given him any reason to doubt that, but...now there was competition in the form of another _him_. A version of himself that was bigger and probably stronger, at least physically…

No. You would never betray him. You were _his_. He had to trust you. 

Sans solemnly pulled a little box out of his jacket pocket and popped open the lid to look inside. Resting on a velvet cushion within was a small, golden ring, inlaid with a soul-shaped ruby. He’d been working up the nerve to ask you to bond with him but he also wanted to incorporate some human traditions along with monster bonding customs. He gritted his sharp teeth together and carefully hid the precious little box away again. He’d send the interlopers home and then he’d finally get the chance to ask you to bond. Everything would be fine. 

💀💀💀

The next morning you woke up before Sans. That was pretty usual. When you crept out to the kitchen to get your morning coffee, you found Papyrus there sipping on his own cup. That was also usual. What wasn't usual was the fact that you were seeing double. An exact replica of Papyrus was standing next to him in the kitchen with another mug of coffee. 

"It's too damn early for this shit," You grumbled as you poured yourself a mug of sweet, sweet caffeine. Surely everything would make more sense after you woke up a little more. 

Then it hit you. The machine. Sans. Red. Captain. Fuck. 

You turned to look at Papyrus, only to notice that his doppelganger was giving you the evil eye. You glared. "What the fuck are you looking at, Hot Topic?"

His scowl deepened even as his eye ridges furrowed in confusion. "I don't know what that means but I find I do not like your tone, human."

"Wow so you do have an inside voice after all."

Papyrus sighed. "Do we have to start antagonizing each other first thing in the morning?"

"Yes."  
"Yes."

"Anyway," Papyrus plowed ahead, ignoring the death glares the two of you were shooting each other. "I was hoping we could have Sans take a look at the machine today to see about sending our guests back to their own universe."

"That's not fucking happening."

If you hadn't lived with Sans for so long, Red’s sudden appearance at the dinner table would have no doubt startled you. 

"And what exactly do you mean by that?" Papyrus arched a brow ridge. 

"What I mean is I'm not going back to that hell hole. We're on the surface here, finally free. I'm not going back."

"We're not asking, asshole." Ah. It seems the final skeleton had finally appeared, last, as usual. 

Sans and Red were staring each other down, growling lowly. It was kind of funny that their growls were the exact same pitch, you almost expected Red’s to be slightly lower due to his size. 

“And what makes you think either of you are in charge of what happens?” Captain interjected, arms crossed and booted toes tapping. “I have a duty to the crown to uphold and I would like to return to my own world and my obligations.”

“Boss! Who gives a shit about any of that?! We can be free in this universe! No more looking over our shoulders, no more dusting random monsters to maintain order! How could you pass that up?!” Red tore his gaze away from Sans to stare incredulously at his brother. 

“Sans, there is nothing for us here, our lives are back home!” Captain spat at Red.

“WHAT ABOUT MY DAMN SOULMATE?!” Red roared.

Your eyes widened as you took in everybody’s reactions. Red’s eye lights were burning fiercely, his left smoking slightly, Papyrus’ bone brows were raised in surprise, Captain’s jaw was hanging open, pure disbelief on his face, and Sans...Sans’ eye lights were completely extinguished, his claws clenched into fists that were trembling at his sides. 

“Soulmate?” You whispered, looking to Sans in confusion. Both Red and Sans’ gazes snapped to you as some things began to fall into place in your mind...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so excited there's a plot point that happens in the future that I'm super happy about but now I've gotta GET to that point.


	3. Pussycat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I was literally about to fall asleep when an idea for this chapter hit me and I had to drag my sorry ass out of bed to write it down before I forgot it. I literally popped this all out in one sitting, didn't even really look it over. God I'm tired. Hope you enjoy the silliness!

You grinned at your reflection as you put the finishing touches on your makeup. Your sleek little party dress left nearly nothing to the imagination and you couldn’t help but think you looked pretty damn hot. Just as you were fluffing out your hair to make sure it would look sexily touseled, you heard a knock on your apartment door. 

“Coming!” You call from the bathroom, hopping to the door while trying to pull on your heels at the same time. You snatched your purse from the countertop and flung the door open. 

“Muffy!”

“Oh, deary, you look absolutely stunning in my dress!”

Your wonderful, very intimidating friend Muffet had indeed designed your dress herself. It was a deep maroon covered in black lace designed to look like little spiderwebs. It suited the aesthetic of your fashionable, spider friend to a T. 

You locked your door behind you as you and Muffet linked arms and started your trek down the stairs. As you passed the apartment next door to yours, your landlord stuck his head out to glare hatefully at the two of you before retreating back to his shitty, little man-cave. 

“Stars, that man is a creep!” Muffet hissed distastefully at the now-closed door.

“I know,” you responded, “But this place is cheap and I can’t really afford better right now.”

Muffet’s fanged mouth turns down in a displeased frown. “Deary, you know I’d be more than happy to lend you some money to get a better place.”

“Muffy, I really appreciate the offer but I’d much rather fend for myself. I can deal with one asshole landlord, it’s not the end of the world.”

“If you say so deary. Just remember if he ever oversteps his bounds I’ll have Muffin eat him up! Ahuhuhuhu!”

You couldn’t help the shiver that ran down your spine at Muffet’s evil laughter, even as you giggled along with her. 

💀💀💀

The club was stiflingly crowded as you and Muffet pushed through the door, having been approved by the very buff rabbit bouncer. You’d expected there to be a crazy crowd, this was the opening night of Metaton’s new nightclub, after all. The dance floor was absolutely packed with monsters of all shapes and sizes bumping and grinding to the deafening remix of MTT’s newest hit single. You could count on one hand the amount of humans you spotted; you tried not to let that feed your nerves. You were Muffet’s plus one! You were allowed to be here! Plus you looked hot as fuck and nobody messed with Muffet’s friends. 

“Let me pick up some drinks, you find us a table!” You shouted so Muffet could hear you over the cacophony. She nodded and strutted through the crowd towards the collection of stylish, red, leather booths. 

You pushed and fought your way past the throng of bodies until you were finally standing pressed up against the bar. While admiring the view of the infamous, flaming bartender, Grillby, mixing one of his famed concoctions, something shiny caught your eye. The brilliant purple of Grillby’s flames were catching on one monster’s sharp, golden tooth. Said monster was slumped lazily on the counter, flirting heavily with a scantily clad feline monster. The one who’d caught your eye was a skeleton with a mouth full of shark-like, incredibly sharp teeth, one of which was the golden tooth that was still twinkling with the dancing purple flames. Fuck. You looked him up and down. He had deep, dark eye sockets with small pips of red light that were glowing like embers. As your gaze shifted downward, you noticed the red, spiked collar adorning his cervical vertebrae. He was exactly your type: dangerous-looking and smug as hell. It wasn’t your usual attraction-at-first-sight, however, no. You found yourself inextricably drawn to the skeleton monster in a way you’d never felt before. You’d have to ask Muffet who he was. 

After procuring the drinks, (Grillby had given you a bit of a hard time for being a human, but recognised the workmanship of your dress and allowed you to order to, “keep the peace with that spider witch”) you proceeded to find Muffet perched daintily on the edge of one of the booths you’d spotted earlier. Handing over her drink, you slid into the seat opposite your friend and took your first sip of monster alcohol. You’d never tell Muffet but it was vastly superior to her Spider Cider. You’d expect nothing less from the greedy, purple flame man, he was famous for his mixed drinks after all.

After a bit of catching up on work and other such things, you finally decided to bring up your new fascination. You pointed out the skeleton monster to Muffet. “Him. He’s fucking hot, what do I have to do to get in with him. Do you know him?”

Muffet sneered in distaste. “Are you sure we’re looking at the same monster? The filthy skeleton who’s chugging mustard?”

“Yeah, that’s the one.” 

“Deary, you have terrible taste.” She sighed. “Yes, I know him, unfortunately. His name is Sans.”

You grinned excitedly, “So, can you introduce me?”

Muffet looked away from you and stared down into her drink. “I don’t think that’s such a good idea, deary.” 

“Why not? Is he taken?” Your heart sank a little at that. It was strange, but the thought that he already had someone was pulling at your soul in a painful way. It shouldn’t be such a big deal, you didn’t even know him!

“No, he’s not, it’s just...he _really_ hates humans.”

“I mean, so do most other monsters, that’s not really unique to him. I mean, _you_ hate humans, Muffy!”

“Ahuhuhu, true. But, no, he’s on a whole other level. He has a rather...violent distaste for humans. I really wouldn’t suggest trying to get near him.”

You pouted at Muffet for a while, before deciding to drop the subject. Muffet took your safety very seriously and would never steer you wrong when it came to other monsters. You’d just have to let your weird little crush go…

💀💀💀

You were deep into your fifth drink of the night, swaying slightly in your seat, giggling at Muffet’s exasperation. She pulled the drink out of your hands, ignoring your drunk grunt of protest. 

“Deary, you are ridiculous. Stay right here while I freshen up. Drink your water!” She looked pointedly at the glass of water she’d procured for you. 

“Okay mom,” You grumbled, crossing your arms childishly. 

You pouted at her back until she disappeared into the crowd. Great, now you were bored. Within moments you found your hazy gaze drifting back over to the bar where that stupid, sexy skeleton was still parked. You sighed grumpily. You wanted to fuck that damn skeleton. 

“Hmph. Muffet’s not the boss of me.” Nodding resolutely to yourself, you rose less-than-gracefully to your feet, leaning heavily on the table to keep your balance. You waited until your vision stopped swimming before stumbling your way to the bar, this time making a beeline towards your prey. 

Feeling bold in your inebriated state, you pushed between the skeleton and the cat he was still flirting with, posing in a way you hoped was sexy. “Hey there, bone man. Looks like you’re all made up of bones, in fact. Gotta spare one for me? I promise this pussy’s better than that one.” You gestured clumsily at the bristling cat monster behind you. 

💀💀💀

Sans was pretty pleased with his haul for the night. BP’s older sister was responding beautifully to his attention; he basically had this one night stand in the bag. Yeah, she wasn’t exactly his type, but she was still objectively hot, and fucking her had the added bonus of pissing off that little shit, BP. 

He was just about to invite her back to his place when a drunken human woman barged in between him and his prey. He felt his magic flare out reflexively, how had a human snuck through his defenses like that? The boss would be pissed at him for his negligence. 

He sat up straight, ready to give this human a damn good time for interrupting when his eye lights met her gaze. His soul pounded violently against the inside of his ribcage and his magic sputtered out. Dumbstruck, he couldn’t pull his gaze from hers. Who the hell was this human?

Before he could make a decision on what to do, a clawed paw pierced into the human’s fleshy shoulder, wheeling her forcefully around. 

“Fucking human bitch!” The cat spat angrily, “I’ll fucking kill you!”

Sans felt his soul pulse again, this time burning with intense anger. He was ready to pull the foolish human away from her assaulter when a new voice joined the fray. 

“If you would be so kind as to unhand my human, that would be much appreciated, ahuhuhu!”

Fuck, it was the spider bitch...wait. Her human? The angry heat in his chest morphed into burning envy. Sans shook himself. Envy? Why the hell would he be envious, it was just some human broad, she meant nothing to him.

The cat’s ears pressed flat against her skull and she hissed at Muffet, even as she backed away. She’d be pretty stupid to try and take on the spider. 

Muffet nodded in satisfaction, sparing Sans a light glare before she grasped the human’s arm with three of her own and marched her away. Sans’ soul lurched in the direction the two were heading and he gritted his teeth angrily, gripping at his chest. What the hell was going on?


	4. Nap Interrupted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New job, more hours, I'm tired af but here's a chapter. Updates are gonna be slowing down considerably, sorry :c

Sans was sprawled out on his bare mattress staring up at the ceiling. He couldn't get his mind off that damn drunk human from MTT's club and it was driving him crazy. He groaned and flipped over onto his front to bury his face in his pillow. This was starting to get ridiculous, even the boss was noticing how distracted he was. 

"Fuck it," He grumbled into his pillow. It was just his damn libido, if he could get her into his bed then she'd just be another conquest and he could move the fuck on. He'd take care of it tomorrow. 

The next day he passed by Papyrus as he was sipping his daily coffee, on his way out the door. "Brother?" Papyrus sounded very confused. "Where on earth are you going so early in the morning?"

"Got something to discuss with Muffet and I wanna beat the morning crowds at her shop."

His brother didn't look any less confused but allowed Sans to pass by out the door to the garage. Deciding to forgo his shortcuts for the day, Sans hopped on his motorcycle and sped off. 

Muffet’s bakery and cafe was a quaint, little shop but it was no slouch when it came to income. The spider monster’s pastries were famous for their quality and their ludicrously high price tags; even humans would brave the dangers of the monster district for a taste of her delicacies. 

Sans parked his bike out front and strode around to the back alley door which led straight into the kitchen. He pounded on it harshly with a fist. Within moments, the door swung open to reveal a flour-dusted Muffet with a displeased expression on her face. “Make it quick,” She spat.

Sans growled at the disrespect but let it slide without comment. He wasn’t here for a fight. “That human from the other night, the drunk one. I want her number.”

Muffet’s eyes all narrowed at him distrustfully. “Why, so you can harass her for daring to get in your way? Absolutely not. She is under my protection and I will not allow you to harm a single hair on her head.”

“Fuck! I ain’t gonna hurt her, I just wanna talk to her, dammit!” Sans snarled impatiently. This was not going as smoothly as he’d hoped it would. 

Muffet sighed and crossed her many arms. “Here’s how this is going to go: you will leave your number with me and I will let _her_ decide if she wants to talk to you. If she contacts you then the two of you are free to do as you wish, keeping in mind that I will hold you responsible if she comes to harm. If she never contacts you, however, then you will _not_ seek her out ever again. Understood?”

Rolling his eye lights in exasperation, Sans acquiesced and rattled off his number for her and then headed back to his bike. It was nothing but a waiting game now. 

💀💀💀

You pushed open the glass door to Muffet’s cafe, smiling at the familiar jingle that played. After bidding farewell to the spiderling who had escorted you through the monster district, you watched as they waved a hairy leg at you before hopping off your shoulder to join their brethren that were working around the shop. You loved those little fluff balls, they were so cute. You certainly didn’t mind their company, but the fact that you had to have an escort at all made you sad. Hopefully someday the animosity between humans and monsters would ease and you’d be able to take a stroll to check out other monster businesses without having to worry about your safety. 

You waited in the ridiculously long line of customers, fiddling with your phone, until finally it was your turn at the register. Muffet’s eyes lit up when she saw you and she passed off her cashiering duties to one of her spiderlings. You followed her into the back, giggling at her light scolding, “Deary, I’ve told you, you don’t need to wait in the line! Just come up to the counter and get my attention!”

“Your customers already resent me enough for wasting your time, I doubt they’d take it well if I started cutting the line as well.”

Muffet led you along the familiar route past the kitchen and into her office. A minute or so after the two of you had sat down by her desk, a trio of spiderlings came in bearing a teapot of piping hot cider. Muffet deftly poured each of you a cup while she simultaneously cleared paperwork off her desk. Once everything had settled, Muffet finally revealed why she had asked you to stop in. “Deary, I wanted to ask you how much you remember from the other night at MTT’s club.”

You flushed a little, vaguely remembering getting sloshed and throwing yourself at some monster dude with a golden tooth. You relayed the sparse information to your spider friend. 

“I see,” She hummed to herself. “Well, the monster you were...hitting on... has asked me to pass along his number.” She handed you a folded piece of paper with her curly handwriting on it. It contained a name: Sans, and what you presumed was his phone number. The name Sans did ring a bit of a bell in your head. It sparked a strange longing sensation in you; maybe you would give this guy a call, or at least a text. Muffet continued, “I told you before and I’ll remind you now: that man is nothing but trouble. He harbors a deep hatred for mankind, even more so than the average monster, and has a reputation for his countless sexual exploits.”

“Sexploits!” You interject reflexively. Muffet’s expression deadpans. After she’s certain you understand how very disappointed she is in your terrible sense of humor she sighs and continues on. 

“Deary, you can do what you want, just keep what I’ve said in mind. If he ever gives you any trouble just say the word and I’ll make sure he never bothers you again.”

“Okay Muffet, I promise I will.”

💀💀💀

Sans collapsed on his mattress, not even bothering to shower off his sweaty body or remove his damp shirt. After he'd returned home from Muffet’s, Papyrus had insisted that Sans join him for his morning jog, since, "You're up so early it would be a waste not to force you to exercise with me!" A half an hour later and the skeleton brothers finally made it home, much to Sans' relief. He could finally catch up on those missed hours of sleep…

Sans snapped awake at the loud buzzing of his cell phone, disoriented and disgruntled. Growling curses under his breath, he retrieved his phone and answered with an angry, "What!?"

"Woah dude, chill. Did I interrupt your nap or something?" It was a feminine voice, one that was vaguely familiar but he couldn't quite place it. 

"Yeah, ya did, actually. Whatcha want?"

"Oh my god I was kidding… well I'm sorry for messing with your beauty sleep."

"Are you fuckin' mocking me?!"

"No! Dude it was a joke! Geez you're grumpy. If you didn't want me to call you then why the fuck did you give Muffy your number?"

Sans rubbed a palm down his face in exasperation. He forgot about the fucking human lady. Well, now he wanted to think about _fucking_ the human lady. He could turn this around, he just needed to summon up the old Sansy charm. Easy.

"Oh, sorry dollface, I didn't realize it was you."

"Yeah, it's me. Why'd you wanna talk to me anyway? From what I can recall I didn't exactly make a very good first impression."

"Nah, opening with a pussy pun is always a good bet when it comes to me to be honest. Or, if you like, you could start by just opening your pussy."

She laughed heartily and Sans felt his soul throb at the sound. Fuck. He could listen to her laugh all day. 

"Dude, that's disgusting. Do you actually get laid talking like that?"

"I dunno, is it working?" Sans grinned to himself. 

"Oh my god. I can't believe I actually wanna fuck you."

His soul pounding in excitement, he focused on remaining chill. He didn't want to sound too desperate. "Oh?"

“Yeah. So how about it?”

After hanging up the call, Sans grinned and dropped his phone on the bare mattress he was still sprawled on. He and the human lady were gonna meet for drinks at some human bar later that Saturday night, and hopefully, it’d lead to a happy ending. Then he could finally get over this weird obsession and move on with his damn life.


	5. A Dozen Red Roses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I live! For real though I rushed the hell out of this chapter so I could post it on V-day, I hope it's still enjoyable!
> 
> Also I retconned the bar they met at because it didn't make sense for Sans to want to meet up at Grillby's at this point of the story.

You were almost to the bar you’d chosen to meet Sans at when you realize your mistake. You were walking through the outskirts of the human district, accompanied by one of Muffet’s spiderlings as usual when you happened to glance up at a little Italian joint, only to do a double take when you saw the myriad of heart-shaped pink and red decorations and the clusters of happy couples making lovey-dovey faces at one another. You couldn’t believe it. You and the dude you were just trying to get into bed accidentally planned your first “date” on Valentine’s day. Fucking Valentine’s day. 

Wait. Maybe everything was fine. Monsters may not even celebrate V-day, right? Fumbling slightly in your haste, you pull your phone out of your pocket and quickly dial Muffet. She picks up on the first ring, already sounding pissed, “What did that fucker do to you?! I’m going to rip him limb from limb and feed his bones to-”

“Muffy! I haven't even met up with him yet!”

Muffet stops, huffing slightly. “Oh. Well. What did you need, deary?”

“Umm...do monsters celebrate St. Valentine’s day?”

“No, not really. It is good for my business though; I’ve sold plenty of soul-themed merchandise today. Humans are so brazenly lewd ahuhuhu.”

You rolled your eyes, knowing full well Muffet was just messing with you, “You and I both know people think those are hearts, not souls.”

“Whatever you say, deary. Not to rush you or anything but what was it you wanted to talk about?”

“Well...it’s kind of a human faux pas to go on a first date on V-day...not to mention that it’s not even really a date, it’s just an excuse to feel each other out before we fuck.”

“Ugh, don’t put that image in my head. Anyway, why do you care what other people think of you, you never have before.”

You paused at that. Muffet was right. Why the fuck did you suddenly care about something as silly as what you did on Valentine’s day? It was nobody’s business but your own!

“Shit, you’re right, Muffy, I don’t know what I was so worried about. I’ve gotta head out now, thanks for the talk!”

“Bye bye, deary! Remember to call me if that slob does ANYTHING you don’t like.”

❤❤❤

Sans was glad you’d chosen a bar in the human part of town. The less likely he was to run into other monsters, the better. He couldn’t have it getting out that he was going on dates with humans. 

As he trudged down the street, humans scurried out of his way and muttered to each other once he’d passed. Humans were always the damn same. Cowards. As he continued to muse on the inherent shittiness of humans, something colorful caught his eye. He turned to look at a nearby storefront, which was absolutely plastered with human soul-shaped paper cut-outs. “Th’ fuck?” He growled. Humans were so goddamn brazen. Putting private shit like that out in the open. The only monster weird enough to have their soul on display was Mettaton, and that freak was barely even a monster anymore in Sans’ book. 

Suddenly, a human darted behind him, startling him into summoning a sharp bone into his palm. As he prepared to defend himself he realized the human had simply run past him. Sans relaxed, bone attack disintegrating into dust as he watched the human, arms full with bright red flowers, jog down the street. A little soul-shaped piece of paper fluttered off the bouquet and drifted to the ground by Sans’ sneakers. Curious, he bent down to pick it up. In curly script it read, “To my dearest Elizabeth, I know this is sudden, but I can’t keep my feelings inside anymore! I love you, and I want to ask you to be my Valentine! With love, Fitzwilliam.”

Sans felt his mouth curl up in disgust. What the hell kinda mushy shit was this?! Fuckin’ humans. Rolling his eyelights, Sans crumpled up the little paper and tossed it to the ground. 

❤❤❤

You watched in sadistic amusement as a young man burst into the bar, arms absolutely overflowing with red roses, and a frantic look on his face. You lounged back against the counter, turning your stool a bit to get a better view. This was gonna be good. 

“Elizabeth!” The man shrieked. All the bar patrons turned to stare at him but he had eyes only for the exhausted-looking bartender who was handing over a mug of beer to an already drunk customer. 

“What do you want, Fitz?” The bartender deadpanned. Oof, that was cold. You felt your grin widen. 

“I-I I love you!” He squeaked out, face turning the same shade as the roses in his arms, and he thrust said flowers in her direction. 

The bartender breathed out a long-suffering sigh and pushed the ostentatious bouquet out of her face. “Fitz. We’ve talked about this-”

“I know! But! I think if you just give me a chance, we could-”

“Fitz-”

“I love you so-”

“FITZ, I’M A FUCKING LESBIAN!”

In the ringing silence after that exclamation, you couldn’t help yourself. You burst into cackling laughter, bending over to hide your face in your hands. 

The sounds of a man wailing in heartbroken grief swept back out the door, cheery little bell ringing to signal his going. You finally sat up, wiping tears out of your eyes as you looked down to see the bouquet scattered on the floor. “Pfft!” Another round of laughter slipped out.

“Damn, you’re one cold bitch.”

Startled at the deep voice right by your ear, you sat up straight, whipping your head around to see who had entered your space. Light glinted off a familiar golden tooth in a line of sharp teeth and your heart leapt. 

“Luckily, I’m into that.” The sharp grin widened. 

❤❤❤

Sans was having a much better time than he thought he would. The plan was to quickly charm the human lady into taking him back to her place where he could get his rocks off and finally be able to leave this weird human-fixation behind him. That plan quickly fell apart when he realized how fucking funny the lady was. She matched his sense of humor beat for beat, even laughing at his most fucked up jokes. He almost didn’t want this night to end…

That thought surprised him. He didn’t want this night to end? Wasn’t that the whole point? ...The more he thought about the fact that he’d probably never see her again after they fucked, the more his soul nagged at him. Somewhere deep in his soul was tugging at him, insisting he couldn’t let that happen. Well...his instincts had never been wrong before.

Quickly his goal moved from charming her into bed to charming her into meeting up again...now he just needed to come up with an excuse…

❤❤❤

Fuck. This guy was actually really funny. You couldn’t believe you were vibing so well with him. Every time that baritone laugh rumbled out of him, you could feel it pulsing in your chest, warming you all the way down to your toes. 

He had been flirting heavily the whole night, innuendos flying out left and right. There was no doubt about what he was looking for…

That’s what you wanted, though, right? You wanted to fuck him, right? The knowledge that once you’d slept together you probably would never see him again permeated your thoughts. Suddenly you weren’t having so much fun.

“Hey there kitten, you’re looking kinda down all of a sudden.”

Shit! Don’t lose him! “Hah! Just thinking about going down on you, that’s all!” Fuck! That wasn’t smooth at all!

The skeleton in front of you laughed nervously, improbable red magic sweat dripping down the side of his skull. Great, now you were making him uncomfortable!

❤❤❤

Fuck! She was still stuck on the idea of fucking him! He needed to come up with a better plan...wait! It was perfect!

Pretending that he felt his phone buzz, he pulled it out and ‘answered’ it.

“Sorry kitten, gotta take this real quick.”

❤❤❤

Shit, you knew that move. The fake phone call. You were so uninteresting that he didn’t even want to fuck you anymore! He was gonna bail and you were never going to see him again!

❤❤❤

“But boss, I’m busy right now, can’t this wait?! No? Dammit, alright, I’ll be there in a bit.”

He ‘ended’ the call and slipped his phone back in his pocket. Brilliant, now he just had to reschedule their date. 

He looked up to meet her eyes when he noticed her absolutely dejected expression. He’d fucked up somewhere, hadn’t he? Oh. Of course. She was disappointed that they probably weren’t gonna be going home together. His soul sank at the thought that she hadn’t really been enjoying his company. She just wanted to fuck him, and now that it appeared to be off the table she was checking out of the conversation. 

Well...he at least had to try…

“Hey, so I know this is sudden, but can we reschedule? I get off work around 5pm on Tuesday. We could meet up and get dinner maybe?” Please please please!

To his great joy, she perked up slightly, grinning at him. 

“Sure, I’d love that!”

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and critiques are greatly appreciated!
> 
> Let me know if you see any mistakes as well.
> 
> Feel free to hmu on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/opocoon)
> 
> Or on [Tumblr](https://motherofchomp.tumblr.com/)  
> 
> 
> [I made art of my own fic lmao](https://motherofchomp.tumblr.com/post/630008342504472576/what-do-you-call-it-when-you-make-art-of-your-own)


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